she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
i think my cat just said my name.
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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