Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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