but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Randomize
