When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
I wish i knew how bad drinking and hieghts were before i got up here
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
i think i just lost a toe
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
Randomize
