You surviving the open bar?
Super asto ex polenta omaha botad
well on the bright side, he charges $60 for an eighth
so he'll probably take me somewhere nice
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
Randomize