spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
Randomize
