Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
is it bad that the first thing i do when i get downstairs is go on farm town?
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
All I could understand from his text was "hatchet" "soccer" & "bitch". its safe to say andy has had enough to drink & will be violent soon
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Randomize
