she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Randomize
