Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
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