piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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