I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out.
just wrote a 6 page paper on my blackberry. including 3 sources. college is teaching me good things so far.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Randomize
