i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
Too much gin, very little bucket
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
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