All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
Randomize