john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
Randomize
