Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
Randomize
