puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
Call me pathetic, but saying "tits for ireland" is working out really well on chatroulette today.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
Randomize
