i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
Randomize
