This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
For what it's worth, your chances of anal go up the more she loves you. There's always a silver lining.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
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