So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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