if you come down to my room ill tell you a secret
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
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