I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
oh there is nothing like the 1st beerbong of the school year
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
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