i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Randomize
