Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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