omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
There is what appears to be urine on the woman's bathroom sink. I just have so many questions right now.
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Randomize
