His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
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