Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
