Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
So how Liz Lemon is this? I bring a boy home, we get in bed, and I realize there's a lean pocket wrapper in the sheets.
I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
isnt it creepy that our bodies make people
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
I fucked her on my hockey bag. it doesnt get any more Canadian than that.
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
Randomize
