I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
Compositionally, that's actually a really nice picture.
And your penis looks really nice too.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Text me some of your sweat
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