I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
Nope, didn't see her. We left when you told us you were going to make the " big beef burrito supreme" even more supreme and you took your dick out.
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
Randomize
