Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
Wait. When you mean sick you mean a cold sick right ? not something else.
dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
Randomize
