i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
