Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
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