Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
if i found out she had a dick after i got head, does that still make me gay?
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
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