He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Randomize
