3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
Randomize
