You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
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