Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
Randomize
