I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
Randomize
