someone get that fucking seahorse.
the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
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