i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
4 to the list in one week. Slutsville isn't as fun as the brochure promised.
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
You had me at "let me see your balls"
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Randomize
