We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Randomize
