She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
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