Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
It's official. 2011 is the year of sport fucking
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
