Btw I've read that book you bought me...And I'm such a bitch now
But I don't think guys love me
I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
