Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
how hairy? two words: wookie tits
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
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