I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
heading to class now, facing the weekend consquences
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
they're both coked to the gills having a shouting match about the powers and abilities of godzilla. and using the wikipedia entry on the topic to support their respective arguments.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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