John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
Randomize
