That's when you crack a 10am beer
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
CONQUERED: Sean from next door. Just wanted to let you know ;)
How many people did you send this to?
So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
zippers are such a cool invention
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
I wish there were birth control emojis
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
