1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
Randomize
