I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
Randomize
