i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
Say something about gay babies.
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
Randomize
