I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
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