friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
My vagina is officially offended.
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
Randomize
