I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
At least my fat-chick-ratio has not been that bad this semester ...
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
