I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
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