I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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