you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
Lol I wish they went straight to your cock then shot out into my mouth like a cock nacho dispenser
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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