turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize
