Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
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