Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
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