I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
I know it's anime porn but I promise you the guy looks like Fred Durst
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
