I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
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