It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
PS Can you transmit a UTI to a sexual partner? I tried to ask, but the doctor just told me to abstain (sup Bristol) for my own good w/o answering
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
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