Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool.
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
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