Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
I need some transition time from spring break.. can we day drink between classes this week?
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
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