i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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