Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
i feel like arbor mist is too classy for that. you need a colt 45
Yeah you're right. The one time when arbor mist is too classy
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
