Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
Randomize
