I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
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